It’s a Pity You Won’t Get to Read My Essay About Throwing a Pity Party

It would have been perfect. Almost too perfect. My essay on how to throw a pity party for yourself had everything you could want in a thousand-word blog post: drama, intrigue, cerebral humor, nostalgic pop culture references. There was going to be a hilarious picture of me wearing a pointy Sesame Street birthday hat, with my arms crossed, frown on my face, my eyes drooping towards the ground. Pure art, I tell you. And the words! You wouldn’t believe how many inventive rhymes, alluring alliterations, side-splitting metaphors, and well-positioned hyperboles one man could fit into such a small space. The vivid description of eating hummus with your bare fingers would have made your mouth water. The colorful imagery of rooms filled with red and blue balloons and the heavenly sounds of My Chemical Romance bellowing through the walls was so real it would have kept you up at night. There were even allusions to Hansel and Gretel, Mighty Ducks 2, the War of 1812, and the fourth Black Flag LP. Though the piece was near bursting with moving parts, it was all tied together in a harmonious balance of subtle satire and clear-eyed seriousness. It was insightful and had universal appeal. I just wish you could have read it.

You see, this blog post could have made me a star. It could have taken this sleepy blog from the dregs of Blogspot-ville and launched it into the cushy stratosphere of internet buzz, massive site hits, and thousands upon thousands of loyal followers. Ten years down the road, I’d be sitting in a palatial estate, pet chinchilla resting on my lap, donned in a navy blue velour bathrobe, chatting with Barbara Walters for another TV special, when I’d get the Big Question once again: “How did you come up with the blog post that started it all—the so-called ‘Pity Party’ essay?” I’d smile knowingly, take another sip of my peach bellini, and say, “Well, Barbara, to tell you the truth, it just came to me. I was at home alone on a Saturday night and a lightbulb went off, so to speak.  I started writing, knowing all the while that things would never be the same again.” And off we’d go.

The entirety of this inevitable narrative arc would have been so compelling. I’d be chased down the street by paparazzi daily and I’d dine only in exclusive restaurants. Everything would be different. If only you’d been able to read this essay, you would have re-posted it, tweeted it to your friends, and scribbled its memorable quotations on the back of love letters. We as a people would finally conclude that, yes, truly transcendent, everlasting literature can in fact be created in this sorry modern world.

But alas—it was not meant to be. As with so many things on the great wiring system of words and pictures that is the internet, someone else had this simple, brilliant idea before I did. In fact, so many people had already written on the topic that producing a tongue-in-cheek discursion of pity parties must be just another pedantic step all humans must take on the path to adulthood. The other blog posts out there already had droll little pictures, humorously appropriate party tips (even food and music suggestions!), and similar jokes to the ones I was going to tell (not as eloquent, of course). And then I realized the gig was up. These ideas were old and tired. I couldn’t force the multitudes of readers of this blog to shuffle through just another irony-fueled instructional essay about how to throw a party for one. It just wouldn’t be right.

So, perhaps a measure of gratitude is owed your humble author for sparing you the horror of propagating a mildly humorous but overused idea for even one more day. This act of mercy does not come without cost—you should have seen my joke about playing Super Mario Brothers while drinking four-dollar cabernet—but in the end, pulling the plug on the project was the only reasonable course of action I could take. I hope you’ll come to understand and forgive me in time. But do not fret, dear Reader: I have been blessed yet again with the inspiration to write a totally original, 100% unique piece on a nostalgic journey into the popular culture of 1990s as seen through the eyes of a Millennial that is sure to knock the proverbial socks off the entire world wide web. Prepare thyself.